


Can’t ever live without you.

by LaBarboteuse



Category: Band of Brothers (TV 2001)
Genre: Angst, F/M, War Trauma, War wounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29823819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaBarboteuse/pseuds/LaBarboteuse
Summary: Have been dating for a while, the reader and Chuck find themselves confronted with anguish, separation and suffering when Chuck decides to join the army and leaves to fight on the Western Front.
Relationships: Charles Grant/Original Female Character(s), Charles Grant/Reader, Charles Grant/You





	Can’t ever live without you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys ! Here's a story full of love, made with love and I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it !

Los Angeles, August 1942.

Pushing her stepladder between the shelves, Y/N set about putting away the pile of books that had been returned during the afternoon. After finishing her studies, she had found this job in a small bookstore around the corner of a street that didn’t look like much. This work which only had to be temporary had finally became her permanent work. She loved being in this quiet place, surrounded by shelves full of books, a picturesque place, aisles almost too narrow to walk between the shelves, the smell of old books floating in the air, a place where she liked to spend time, where she felt out of time. There wasn’t a lot of people and most of the time there were regulars, but Y/N liked it, it gave the place a felling of warmth and familiarity.

Pushing the stepladder once again to reach another shelf, she caught a book on the pile, which had to be store there, she tiptoed up to the top of the shelf and placed the book in its place. No sooner had she had time to put it down than she felt like she lost her balance, when she should have fallen, she felt arms encircling her waist and someone put a hand over her mouth so that she didn’t scream with surprise or fear. She found herself pressed against the shelf opposite the one where she had just put the book. When she saw who was facing her, she laughed silently as he laughed, what she made big eyes at, putting her index finger on his lips to signal him not to make a sound. For any answer the man in front of her put his hands on her cheeks and kissed her tenderly, when he moved his face away from hers, she gave him a pat on the arm.

“Do you want me to get fired?” She said trying to keep as serious as possible, whereas she was thrilled to see him there.

“You? Get fired? Please, you’re the model employee, at worst he’ll give you the big eyes.” He laughed.

As usual Chuck had come to pick her up at the end of the day, every day for just over a year they have been dating, he would leave the metal products manufacturing where he worked and make a detour to pick up Y/N and take her home. A tiny apartment on the fourth floor of a remote downtown building for which one that they had both been saving up for months to finally afford to move in together just a few months earlier.

“I still have a few books to store before leaving, I won’t be long.” He nodded and as she was about to go back to her books, he pulled her by her hand to bring her back to him and kissed her once again.

She laughed against his lips and moved back while he was surrounding her waist with his arms, burying his face in her neck to stifle a laugh. “Stop it!” she exclaimed in a low voice so as not to attract the attention of her boss at the reception desk or any other person present.

“Alright, I’ll be waiting for you outside.” He said finally, giving her a kiss on her cheek before walked away, winking at her. She felt her cheek ignite and her heart rate tried as hard as he could to calm down.

Even after having spent so much time with him, this kind of emotional demonstration always made her get excited as if it were the first day. She took a deep breath and put her hands on her cheek as if it could cool them. As she did every evening, she hurried to finish tidying up before joining her boss behind the counter who never lifted his nose from his newspaper. Lonnie was an old man in his sixties and who have been working in this bookstore since he had opened it thirty-five years ago. He had gray hair on the sides, but nothing left on the top of his head, a perfectly well-groomed moustache, a pair of round glasses always placed on the tip of his nose, over which he read his newspaper. He looked at Y/N approaching over his glasses and smiled at her.

“Is it good for today?” He asked her while looking back on his newspaper.

“Everything is stored where it should be and shelves are in order and clean.” He nodded at her words without raising his eyes.

“Alright girl, see you tomorrow then.”

She caught her purse and her jacket, walked back across the counter throwing a “See you tomorrow Lonnie.” and headed for the exit.

When she went out, she was struck by the light warm breeze of this late Californian summer day. Chuck was waiting for her leaning against the car and smiled as she approached. The declining sun was creating golden reflections on his hair that brought out his deep blue eyes. Y/N couldn’t help but think that she was very lucky to have him, Chuck was a golden man, adorable, funny, affectionate, intelligent and handsome.

That evening while he was driving, he didn’t say a word. He had lost the smile that had brought his face in the bookstore, he seemed pensive. She would occasionally glance at him from time to time trying to decipher his tune. A frown wrinkled his forehead, and she couldn’t help but ask him if something was wrong.

“Is everything alright? You seem reflective.”

He turned his head towards her and gave her a smile which has to be reassuring, realising the steering-wheel with his right hand to take hers placed on her knee.

She didn’t search to know more, she knew that he would tell her in due time, there probably was no reason to worry about. However, Chuck’s distance during all the evening and his look seeming to be far away made her start to worry. He had barely exchanged a few words during the meal and was content to play with the food on his plate with his fork. While he was doing the dishes, Y/N approached him and put her hand on his arm and finally decided to make him spill it out.

“Is everything alright? You really seem weird since earlier. What made you radically change your mood?“ she asked, her voice full of sweetness.

Chuck sighed, stopped what he was doing, took a cloth with which he wiped his hands and turned to face her, leaning against the sink.

“I .. I try to find the best way to tell you something but no matter how much I return the information in different ways, I don’t know how to do it.”

Intrigued, she frowned briefly and then placed herself in front of him, taking his hands in hers.

“Just say it like it comes, then.”

He took a breath and squeezed her hands between his own, for her part Y/N was really starting to panic, she had no idea what he might want to tell her, but it was apparently something serious.

“You know I love you, right?”

Her heart raced as it did every time he said it and a slight smile stretched her lips.

“I know it. As you know I love you too.”

A weak smile stretched Chuck’s lips without going to his eyes. He didn’t have any idea how telling her something like that without breaking her heart. What if she thought that he didn’t love her enough to stay? He felt incapable to tell her, he didn’t know how to announce her he had taken a decision, and that he was doing it by duty for his country but before all, for her. So she could continue to live the free life she had.

“You have to know I love you more than everything, and that I’m doing it because I have the duty to do it.”

"Chuck, you’re freaking me out right now, please tell me what’s going on.”

He took a deep breath and then intertwined her fingers with his own to keep her close to him, as if to hold her.

“I’ve decided to enlist.”

Four words, how only four words could have such a destructive effect? Her heart squeezed so tightly to his words that she thought she couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. It took her a while to assimilate these words, her eyes fell back on the pile of dishes behind him, what to say? What to do? How to react to this type of announcement? When they had just moved in together, as everything was going well, he decided to leave. But all was not well, war was raging on the other side of the Atlantic and in the Pacific. A war in which the United States were engaged, and Chuck was right, it was his duty as a citizen to fight for his country and for freedom. How could she blame him for that.

“Say something please…” He said softly. She opened her mouth but no sounds went out. Finally she raised her eyes at him and just snuggled against him, resting her cheek against his chest. Chuck wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him, he knew that even though she understood, this didn’t stop her heart from breaking. Finally they huddled together for a moment without either of them saying anything.

Days went by and Y/N was trying as hard as she could to accept the situation, well, to accept it was a fact, to live with it was another. For the moment accepting it while Chuck was still there was relatively easy, everything will change and become more real when he would leave.

She wasn’t the least bit angry with him, how could anyone be angry with someone who decides to show so much courage, because that’s what it took to get involved, courage. Although the announcement was like a bomb, it didn’t divide them in any way, perhaps even strengthening their already strong bond. They continued to live their lives, with their share of little habits, every day he would drop her off at the bookstore at 7:55 a.m. so that she could start at 8:00 a.m., kiss her tenderly before he could hardly let her go, and he would pick her up every evening at 6:00 p.m.

One night while she was sitting on their couch reading a book, Chuck suddenly entered the room and came to kneel down in front of her, making her raise her eyes towards him, with questioning gaze.

“Marry me.”

She burst out laughing, caught off guard, but stopped short when she saw that he wasn’t laughing.

“Excuse me?”

He shook his head and straightened up to come and sit next to her, she pivoted to face him and he took her hands in his.

“Marry me.” He repeated himself.

“Yes, I understood the first time Chuck, but … why? I mean, does it just take you suddenly like that? You could have taken care of the proposal.”

He realized that it might have been surprising and recognized that from an outside point of view it must have seemed strange.

"It did. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, but I didn’t know how to do it. It’s not the way I would have liked to propose, but things being the way they are, it’s for safety.” She squinted her eyes without understanding, tilting her head slightly to the side, as if that would help her neurons connect and she would understand.

“What do you mean by “safety”?”

“If we were married before I leave, it will assure you to perceive something if I .. didn’t come back..”

Struck by his words she stiffened, slowly put the book on the coffee table in front of her while she assimilated and turned towards it.

“Chuck please..” Her voice became almost begging for him not to go any further, imagining for even a second that he would never come back was unbearable for her.

“This is war .. You know it’s a possibility..”

His voice had faded, he would not have liked to talk about it either, but they had to face the reality of things, that was the problem for Y/N, it was becoming too real, she was not ready to let him go.

“I know.. But saying it out loud makes it all to .. real.”

He gently squeezed her hand and with his other, came tenderly stroke her cheek.

“I promise you that even without that I would have ask you to marry me.” He took a break and had a small laugh. “God, if you knew how much I love you, I’m not even sure that someone had already loved someone else as hard as I do.” These words had the merit of making her smile, a sad smile but a smile all the same. “But if we’re doing this now, you won’t be in need if the worst happens.” He leaned over to her to place a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I promise you that as soon as I come back we will have a real wedding, the one you want, the most beautiful wedding ever.”

“You promise me to come back?”

“I promise you.”

Both knew very well that it was only a promise that could probably not be kept, even with all the will in the world, it would unfortunately not depend only on his good will. But they were reassured to say it and hear it anyway.

Obviously Y/N accepted, how could she have refused? Everything was done quickly, since for the moment it was only an administrative insurance. They had made an appointment at the town hall and had only done this among themselves, they had not wanted to invite even their relatives, it would have cut them off from a moment just the two of them, these precious moments that they no longer had much.

When the day of the big departure came, Y/N had the greatest difficulty in resolving herself to it, and honestly, she would not resolve herself to it once during the four years that would follow. Both knew that they were about to experience the most difficult moments of their lives. They stayed on the platform hugging each other until the last minute, Chuck sniffed one last time the floral scent that woke him up every morning and that he wouldn’t smell for the next few years. Finally a whistle announced the imminent departure of the train and reluctantly they pulled away from each other. She raised her red, wet look towards him, giving him a sad smile, as if to reassure him that everything would be alright. Hands on her cheeks he came to tenderly kiss her, an ultimate, desperate kind of kiss, the kind you would give to someone you would never see again. She put her hands on his cheeks and tiptoed up to intensify it. A final call came for the last ones on the platform who could not end their goodbyes.

“Never forget that I love you.” He whispered before laying a kiss on her forehead.

“And you never forget that I love you and that I’ll still be there when you’ll come back.”

As he began to move away towards the train, she squeezed his hand she still had in hers and resigned herself to release it and letting him go so that he could board. That day Y/N felt as if her world was coming to a halt, her heart faded with the sight of the train moving away. As the train progressively pulled away, everything around her gradually turned gray. She watched helplessly at the person who had brought her so much this past year, the one who had taught her how to live, how to love and how to feel loved, went away. The one she had been closest to for a long time. A grayish, slow-motion world would become her daily life, and would only recolor itself once the other part of herself returned. Since it was indeed a part of herself that she was watching leave.

The days and months after followed each other and became similar, everything had lost its flavour. Of course, the exchange of letters was as frequent as it could be. Y/N was only aware in Chuck’s letters of what he was allowed to say. For the moment she was not worried, well, some anxiety had set in as soon as he had left but as long as he was not yet in combat it made the situation more bearable, but she knew that the moment would come and that her anxiety would increase tenfold.

Y/N continued her life to which one she had to adapt herself without Chuck. Lonnie was a great help, he would often ask her about Chuck, and apart from that, he always found a way to keep her as busy as possible so that she didn’t have time to think about it and be sadder than she already was. Outside of work she continued to see her friends who had also had to say goodbye to a family member, friend or boyfriend. She kind of found comfort to be with people who understood and were going through the same thing.

Chuck too had to adapt himself, as for any other person who had enlisted and for whom life had radically changed from one day to another. He had been fortunate enough to have fallen into a good company, and the bond between the men grew stronger every day. The strenuous training, the intensive military courses, Sobel, all this was made bearable by the few letters he received. Every letter, every word on it had helped him through all the suffering, all the horrors he had seen once in Europe.

The letters had particularly helped him during and after Bastogne, Y/N brought a semblance of breath of life and humanity through her words. Over time she had become a bit like a non-present member of the company. Chuck often talked about her, and he told her many things in his letters and talked about the men who had become first friends and then brothers. Eventually she had gotten to know them virtually through the letters and sometimes asked Chuck about them, hoping for a chance to meet some of them once all this would be over, to meet those people with whom he had created an indestructible bond and with whom he had gone through all those hardships.

So it was only natural that they decided to write her a letter the day Chuck was shot. Every day for the last few years Y/N had only one anguish, that one day someone would come and give her the letter, the one she would never get over.

On an evening of summer 1945, while she went back to their tiny apartment, she slipped the keys into the lock and opening the door, the letter she hadn’t seen, and which was stuck between it and the doorframe fell on the ground. Y/N kneeled and picked it up, looked at the writing she didn’t recognize. Panic came over her and she closed the door before hastily tearing the envelope she dropped on the floor, unfolding the paper. She had to read it twice to be sure to understand, while she hadn’t finished her playback, her eyes blurred and filled with tears that she let roll freely on her cheeks in a macabre silence. She had learned a few days earlier in the newspapers that Germany had surrendered and that the war in Europe was over. She thought she was safe from any tragic news, and yet. With a trembling hand she leaned on the back of a chair and sat down trembling. She let her pain explode in heavy sobs that shook her.

Her face in the palm of her hands, she let herself go for long minutes, unable to evacuate the pain that pierced her heart and twisted her stomach. Feeling like a force oppressing her, she thought she was choking from not being able to breathe more calmly again. After long minutes she tried to regain the upper hand as best she could. She stood up on her shaky legs and retrieved the letter, took out paper from the console in the living room, picked up a pencil and tried to line up words to write a letter. The one she had received had been signed by Sergeant Talbert, whom Chuck had told her about several times.

Tears went back as she was writing, she felt them rolled on her cheek and crashed on the letter in which one she thanked him to having warned her. Nevertheless, he had made the decision to spare her the facts, thinking that it would probably be harder to deal with the knowledge that after having survived until then, he had been shot by a soldier from his own country and out of combat. Just because this one had been completely drunk. But as he had suspected at the time he wrote the letter, Y/N asked him to tell her everything, but also if he would not mind keeping her informed of Chuck’s state and condition. What he did, they exchanged several times, with each letter Y/N hoped for reassuring news, unfortunately his condition didn’t seem to improve and he was still unconscious.

With every knock and ring on the door, every ring on the phone she would startle and her heart would clench at the thought of probable bad news.

As she struggled more and more to get through the day at work due to fatigue from sleep deprivation, not being able to sleep at night, anxiety attacks, and constant worry, she had no idea that Chuck had actually woken up, but that he had kept Tab from telling her anything.

Floyd went as much as he could to the hospital where Chuck was recovering, he shared letters from Y/N and what he told her. Chuck hadn’t wanted to let Y/N know that he was awake, at the risk of breaking her heart, but he was afraid, afraid that she would push him away, knowing that he was now partially paralyzed in his left arm, that he had some difficulty expressing himself and that to top it all off there was a scar on his forehead. But he knew it wasn’t fair not to tell her and let her worry because he was afraid.

“You should send her a letter, you should tell her.” Tab had told him before putting the last letter he had received on the bedside table next to the bed, patting him on the shoulder and walking out of the room.

Eyes lost in the emptiness he sighed and resigned himself to finally writing to her. He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about what he could tell her and how to do it. With pain and grimace as he moved, he grabbed the paper and pencil that Floyd had been careful to leave beside him.

_My dear Y/N,_

_First of all, forgive me. Forgive me for the suffering inflicted these last years by absence and uncertainty. Forgive me again for not telling you earlier that I was awake. I begged Floyd not to tell you for fear of your reaction. It is unfair of me, please forgive me for this unjustified suffering. On Floyd’s wise advice I finally take the courage to write to you and tell you the reasons for my anguish that you are leaving me. The German surgeon did an excellent job, since I am still alive, nevertheless the injury caused irreversible physical damage. It is now difficult for me to express myself sometimes, it doesn’t happen constantly but it is still embarrassing, I can’t imagine being unable to tell you that I love you without being able to properly align such simple words. It also resulted in partial paralysis of my left arm, how could I properly embrace you as before with this? I’m not talking about the scar that will surely push you away. I am constantly frightened at the thought of you leaving, and I am now feeling what you have been feeling for the past few years._

_Forgive me for all of this._

_I recently learned that since I have recovered enough to travel, I will soon be sent home, now that the war is over there is no reason to stay so far away from you any longer. I promise to let you know as soon as I know more. If you still want me._

_And above all, never forget that I love you._

_Love, your Chuck._

Wet spots had gradually formed on the paper as she read his letter. Y/N wiped her tears from the back of her hand and pressed the letter to her chest, a feeling of relief taking hold of her.

She wasn’t angry towards him, perhaps she should have? But it wasn’t the case. She could understand his worry, but was he really thinking she could run away because of that? She had agreed to marry him before he left, well it was mainly to protect her financially if something happened to him, but for her it meant above all that she knew the risks, that he would come back totally changed psychologically and physically, and she accepted it.

That day it was as if the shroud that had hung over her life for four years finally began to lift. She felt a strange sensation inside her, her heart was finally starting to pick up the pieces, gently, but this was only the beginning. Soon he would be back.

She had obviously responded to his letter with as much love as possible and reassuring words, which despite everything didn’t take away the anxiety he felt. As promised, Chuck had informed her of everything that was going on, of all the information concerning his return. When the day came Y/N couldn’t get rid of the ball that weighed on her stomach, for the first time in four years, since those farewells on the platform of Los Angeles train station, she was going to find the one she hadn’t stopped thinking about for a single second since his departure.

What if he was the one who finally decided to leave her? No, she shook her head, it was ridiculous, why would he do that? She couldn’t help wondering how much he would have changed, psychologically, of course he wouldn’t be the same anymore, his return and readjustment to normal would probably take time. Maybe he would show signs of post-traumatic shock, but no matter what happened, she would be there to help him through it all.

Her hair twirling around her face in the cool New York wind in the middle of December, she walked to the dock where hundreds, maybe even thousands of people were waiting like her for the return of a loved one. She had travelled across the country to be able to welcome him directly at his destination. This port he had left for England two years earlier on board the SS Samaria.

She went into the crowd to get as close to the disembarkation area as she could, she lowered her head to protect herself from the icy wind, braving the blows of the shoulders as she advanced, she finally stopped behind a few people of the same reunited family. She looked attentively at this woman in her fifties, her hair slightly graying at the roots, her face marked by a few wrinkles, probably accentuated by constant stress, the same one she had felt every day for the last four years, had she too begun to have fine lines caused by anxiety? Unconsciously she put her fingertips on her cheek as if to reassure herself. The woman was accompanied by a young girl who was probably the same age as Y/N and who was holding the hand of a little girl, a little brunette with green eyes who was looking at her. Y/N addressed her a tender smile to which the girl responded with a smile as well.

Cries of joy made her raise her head to see the ship mooring. Her heartbeat quickened and a smile of excitement stretched her lips before evaporating. Finally her idea of waiting for him here didn’t seem so good anymore, how would they find each other in this crowd? As the soldiers began to disembark to the applause of the civilians, she turned her heels to go back the other way, once again braving the jostling. She preferred to take some distance to have a better overview and not be lost in the middle of all these people. As she walked down the dock with her eyes, she could feel her heartbeat right down to her ears, it was beating so loudly it probably would have exploded. She gently shook her head as if to clear her mind and raised her face to the sky to take a deep breath of the icy breeze that did her the greatest good. Her gaze caught on a flight of birds passing over the crowd, a whole cloud of birds gathered, as the image of the reunion that took place on the dock.

She followed the flight with her eyes and pivoted on herself to continue looking at it. When she looked down again at the crowd she saw him. There he was, just a few feet away from her, the same piercing blue eyes that had haunted her nights on her.

Several times she had imagined running towards him and jumping on his neck, now that she was there she felt unable to move. Everything had stopped around her and she felt nothing but the wind whipping her cheeks. They didn’t stay like this more than two or three minutes, just a few feet away from each other, but it seemed like an eternity. She finally regained the use of her limbs and advanced one leg in front of the other vigilant, as if she was ready to collapse under the shock, before finally sneaking between the people passing in front of her to come and jump at his neck. She grabbed him as hard as she could and closed her eyes to contain her tears. She felt Chuck wrap his right arm around her and put his left hand on her waist, squeezing her as hard as he could. He sniffed the floral scent he had missed so much and kissed the top of her head. Without detaching herself from him she moved her face back just a few inches to look at him, capturing every detail of his face as if she were seeing him for the very first time. Tenderly she raised her hand to come and caress his cheek with her fingertips as if to make sure he was real. Her gaze lingered on each line but she paid no attention to his scar, as if it were not there. Suddenly a laugh came out of her chest, not a mocking laugh, a relief laugh, warm tears ran down her cheeks as she was still laughing, Chuck joining her before diving to her lips and kissing her passionately and as fiercely as he could.

When the kiss ended he put his forehead against hers and she raised her eyes to plant them in his, she had dreamed of being able to lose herself in his eyes every night. Soflty she brought her hand close to his scar, gently touching it with her fingertips. Chuck lowered his eyes and closed them, perhaps to hold back tears. Reaching up on tiptoes, she kissed it gently and then raised his head by passing her index under his chin.

“Chuck look at me..” His gaze fell on her, with the look of a broken man.

She brushed his cheek with the back of her fingers and gave him a comforting smile.

“I’m so proud of you. So proud of what you’ve done for your country, for your courage and the strength that it took to you to go through all of this. You’ve bent through hell and you still standing. You’re a hero Chuck. Don’t be ashamed of anything, you know I don’t love you for what you look like but for what you are. For all those little things that made you who you are. Don’t ever doubt about it. And know that I still think you’re still as beautiful as ever.”

She kissed him tenderly before wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in it.

Holding her close to him, he buried his face in her hair and let his tears flow. For all those years spent away from her. For all those moments in hell. For his friends who died in combat. For the one he had been and would be no more. For those years of youth stolen by war and lost innocence. For the joy he felt at seeing her again when he didn’t think it would be possible. For her to have stayed and supported him, to have continued to love him despite the distance, the years and now his handicap.

For all the broken lives.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it ! Feel free to do request dears!


End file.
